I don’t know why I am still here, why haven’t I jumped yet. Here I am at the top of this building and I am still to weak to even jump. Why am I here?
What pushed me this far?
A year ago I was living a simple life at my foster home, the one that I have been at since the day my father left me inside a CPS office. They told me that my mother died while giving birth, so I can understand why my father left me. I probably get my worthlessness from him, but I don’t care that was his decision.
The foster parents I am living with are kind, but they don’t treat me like their child. Even though they have raised me since I was a baby they treat me like a person that rents out a room in their house. They have no kids of their own, in fact they can’t since they are both female. They love babies and act as a temporary home for the ones CPS takes from their parents. I am the only baby they have had that has reached the age of 18 in their care, most of the babies are only with them for 10 months at the longest.
Though I am 18 years old now, where I am starting this story from is the first part of my school year when I was 17. I’d call myself average, grades wise, I didn’t have any friends at the time and I only had one thing I liked doing and that was baseball which I had been playing it for years. The day I am going to start this story is the day I thought my life changed for the better.
I walked to school every morning, it wasn't to far and since I didn’t have a car I had no choice. When I woke up that day I didn’t feel any different, I didn’t feel like my life was going to change maybe I didn’t feel like anything good was going to happen my last year, because nothing good would happen.
The morning of my first day before classes I signed up for the baseball tryouts, the coach told me I didn’t have to try out since I had always been on the team and I am one of the best players. I still did the try outs to make sure I was still good enough to play, because even though I have always been on the team I haven’t always been good at it.
After tryouts I headed home wanting to rest and talk to my friend in Russia. Yes, Tatiana the friend I met when her family was visiting America. I live in New York, so running into tourist is not uncommon, but when I met her she was lost and I was on my way to baseball summer practice.
Let me clarify the time that we first met, it was the summer of 2006 when I was 16 and she was 15. I was heading to baseball practice, taking a short cut through an alley way I saw her standing at the end. She looked confused and lost, I ignored her and walked away, something I would regret later. That was the first time I had ever seen her, the time when I actually met her wasn’t until later that day. After baseball practice I took the same route home, when I got to the alley way that I had seen her in. I saw her laying on ground bruised and half naked, I could tell that she had been raped. At that moment I started crying, because it was my fault she ended up this way.
I heard her cough, I didn’t think she was still alive, but when I heard her cough I knew what I had to do. I picked her up and carried her to the nearest hospital, at the hospital they took my information incase they needed to contact me. They told me that she had a passport on her so they would be able to contact her parents. I left the hospital feeling awful, I could have helped her, but I am a spineless coward. I can’t lead people, I’m not strong enough to protect anyone.
The following day I didn’t have practice, so I was reading a book. It was about 4 in the after noon when one of my foster moms told me that there was someone at the hospital calling for me. When I got to the phone the person asked if I was Allen, the one that saved his daughter. I told him I was, he wanted to thank me for rescuing her. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I was to blame for her being injured, that I left her all alone when she was lost, that I was an awful person that did not need thanks.
But being the spineless boy I was, I agreed to meet them at the hospital so they can thank me in person. I got to hospital and went to the floor her room was on. I remember thinking to myself as I walked down the hall to her room, ‘What are you doing here’ ‘you aren’t worthy to be thanked’ ‘this is all your fault.’ When I reached her room, instead of going inside I stood outside looking through the window. Seeing her smiling at her dad made me feel even worse, so I decided to leave. As I was walking away I heard something being yelled in Russian.
Her father ran out of the room, I stopped, he asked me if I was Allen. When I told that I was, he ushered me into the room, I remember clearly what happened next.
She said, “Thank you” I fell to my knees and started crying. Her father asked me why I was crying, so I let it all out. I told them that I had walked past her that morning knowing that she was lost and confused, I told them that I could have stopped this from ever happening. I kept crying until her father slapped me, “How dare you cry.” He said “you know how many people saw her on the ground and just kept walking. You the only person that stopped and take my daughter to hospital. And for that we thank you, but you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. You make a choice you live with it, because its your choice.”
After that Tatiana insisted that they treat me to lunch the following day. I agreed and from then on we spoke with each other almost everyday, even after she went back to Russia. I had to get a part time job so I could pay the long distance phone bill.
That brings us back to when I got back home from school, I took off my school uniform and took a shower. I called her at 9 almost every night, because of our time differences it would be 5 in the morning her time. It worked for us because she was a morning person and I was a night person. We would both do our homework as we spoke to each other.
The reason I thought this day would be a change for the better is because what Tatiana told me that night. Our conversation started as it usually did we said our hellos and told each other about our days. Mid way into our conversation she said she had something important to tell me, but she said she would tell me right before she left for school. When the time came for her to leave, after she said goodbye I heard her say, very softly “I love you” and then she immediately hung up.
After hearing this I was happy, probably the happiest I have ever been in my life I couldn’t sleep that night. The following morning I climbed out of my bed and went to school like normal. I even saw a freshmen get his ass handed to him in the back of the school, other than that my day was normal. I thought about what she had said for the next week, I didn’t know if I loved her or not. I felt a pull towards her, but I don’t know if thats love. After all I am worthless, can I even be capable of love? At the time I thought I was, in fact that is the reason I kept living.
Why am I standing at the top of this building if I fell in love with someone you loved me back. After all her family was rich so they could afford to visit the U.S. If everything is fine why am I up here?
~Silence for a few moments~
That’s right it wasn’t that way for long, because after my second semester had started Tatiana told me that her family was planing a trip over to the U.S. When I heard that it made me exuberantly happy, actually it made me too happy. The following day at school during baseball practice I had my head in the clouds thinking of the things I would do with Tatiana when her family arrived. While doing so one of my teammates that didn’t like me got pissed off when I ignored that it was my turn to bat.
I remember him saying something like “yo prick you think you’re so much better that you don’t even need practice batting?” Snapping back to reality I didn’t know what he was talking about, so I asked him what he said. He muttered some words then threw a punch at me, not expecting it I fell off the bench. The coach told him to stop and told to get my ass to the plate to bat.
After practice I was then ganged up on by that boy and a few others, they had bats and beat me until they thought I was unconscious. I wish I would have been unconscious so I didn’t have to feel the pain of my broken arm, leg, and ribs. I guess I had it coming for not paying attention and staying in my own fantasy world during practice.
I lied there until morning when a man found me, he carried me to the nurses office. He told me that I was not meant to die yet, I guess I know what he means. Maybe he meant that my death should be of my own volition, so that I wouldn’t have any regrets in death.
The nurse in the nurses office had me taken to a hospital, at the hospital I remember the doctors talking to each other. They spoke something of my bones being different than normal, but they told me that it was nothing to be concerned with and that I would need to stay there for a few days.
I didn’t tell Tatiana because I didn’t want her to be worried about something that didn’t matter. So when I spoke to her that night I just told her that I had an unexpected game pop up. I thought nothing bad towards the people that beat me and refused to tell the school who did it. Why didn’t I tell them?
~Silence for a few moments~
Oh yeah, that’s right I didn’t want to feel pathetic anymore, so I started working out more. I wanted their punishment to be by my hands. I wish I would have just kept feeling pathetic so I wouldn’t have had to go through more pain.
I had a change in my life, I stopped thinking I was pathetic and kept pushing myself forward. I got better than I was before at baseball, because I was no longer just doing it for fun. I was doing to be the best, so I could show those pieces of shit that thought they could do whatever they wanted. Could not push me around and get away with it, I wanted to show those with power that they cannot do whatever they want.
I became better than I ever was in every aspect, I was kind, I was strong, I was gentle, I was swift, I was new. I helped where I could, everything was going perfectly I thought nothing could go wrong. I was wrong, boy was I wrong, because things did go wrong, things went really, really wrong.
I remember that day, my school was having a festival, that morning I went to school a bit early to try to help set up what was left. When I got there, there was some kid picking on a girl, so I intervened. I told the kid to get lost, but instead he pulled out a knife and told me to get lost instead. I don’t know why, but I laughed at him and told him knives had no effect on me.
“No effect? Are you retarded knives effect everyone.”
“Well, I don’t care what you think, just leave.” I told him.
“Look dude if you want to get stabbed I will stab you.”
“If you stab me that’s your choice not mine, so if you are going to stab me do it or leave.”
The kid lunged at me, but for some reason I didn’t try to dodge his attack. Instead I grabbed his throat with my right hand as the tip of his knife pierced my chest.
“I told you knives don’t effect me.”
Gasping for air he said told me “but look you’re bleeding.”
“I meant that they don’t effect me mentally, knives make everyone bleed including myself.”
He pulled his knife off of me and said “fine, but I won’t forget this.”
I said, “forget what?” as he walked off.
I went to the nurses office to get my wound bandaged, when she asked me what caused it I told her I fell out of a tree and landed in a bush.
I don’t know why I acted that way, I have never been one to step in like that. It was like something took over me.
The rest of the year went by seemingly well, I kept working out to get stronger and I kept studying to get smarter.
What pushed me this far?
A year ago I was living a simple life at my foster home, the one that I have been at since the day my father left me inside a CPS office. They told me that my mother died while giving birth, so I can understand why my father left me. I probably get my worthlessness from him, but I don’t care that was his decision.
The foster parents I am living with are kind, but they don’t treat me like their child. Even though they have raised me since I was a baby they treat me like a person that rents out a room in their house. They have no kids of their own, in fact they can’t since they are both female. They love babies and act as a temporary home for the ones CPS takes from their parents. I am the only baby they have had that has reached the age of 18 in their care, most of the babies are only with them for 10 months at the longest.
Though I am 18 years old now, where I am starting this story from is the first part of my school year when I was 17. I’d call myself average, grades wise, I didn’t have any friends at the time and I only had one thing I liked doing and that was baseball which I had been playing it for years. The day I am going to start this story is the day I thought my life changed for the better.
I walked to school every morning, it wasn't to far and since I didn’t have a car I had no choice. When I woke up that day I didn’t feel any different, I didn’t feel like my life was going to change maybe I didn’t feel like anything good was going to happen my last year, because nothing good would happen.
The morning of my first day before classes I signed up for the baseball tryouts, the coach told me I didn’t have to try out since I had always been on the team and I am one of the best players. I still did the try outs to make sure I was still good enough to play, because even though I have always been on the team I haven’t always been good at it.
After tryouts I headed home wanting to rest and talk to my friend in Russia. Yes, Tatiana the friend I met when her family was visiting America. I live in New York, so running into tourist is not uncommon, but when I met her she was lost and I was on my way to baseball summer practice.
Let me clarify the time that we first met, it was the summer of 2006 when I was 16 and she was 15. I was heading to baseball practice, taking a short cut through an alley way I saw her standing at the end. She looked confused and lost, I ignored her and walked away, something I would regret later. That was the first time I had ever seen her, the time when I actually met her wasn’t until later that day. After baseball practice I took the same route home, when I got to the alley way that I had seen her in. I saw her laying on ground bruised and half naked, I could tell that she had been raped. At that moment I started crying, because it was my fault she ended up this way.
I heard her cough, I didn’t think she was still alive, but when I heard her cough I knew what I had to do. I picked her up and carried her to the nearest hospital, at the hospital they took my information incase they needed to contact me. They told me that she had a passport on her so they would be able to contact her parents. I left the hospital feeling awful, I could have helped her, but I am a spineless coward. I can’t lead people, I’m not strong enough to protect anyone.
The following day I didn’t have practice, so I was reading a book. It was about 4 in the after noon when one of my foster moms told me that there was someone at the hospital calling for me. When I got to the phone the person asked if I was Allen, the one that saved his daughter. I told him I was, he wanted to thank me for rescuing her. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I was to blame for her being injured, that I left her all alone when she was lost, that I was an awful person that did not need thanks.
But being the spineless boy I was, I agreed to meet them at the hospital so they can thank me in person. I got to hospital and went to the floor her room was on. I remember thinking to myself as I walked down the hall to her room, ‘What are you doing here’ ‘you aren’t worthy to be thanked’ ‘this is all your fault.’ When I reached her room, instead of going inside I stood outside looking through the window. Seeing her smiling at her dad made me feel even worse, so I decided to leave. As I was walking away I heard something being yelled in Russian.
Her father ran out of the room, I stopped, he asked me if I was Allen. When I told that I was, he ushered me into the room, I remember clearly what happened next.
She said, “Thank you” I fell to my knees and started crying. Her father asked me why I was crying, so I let it all out. I told them that I had walked past her that morning knowing that she was lost and confused, I told them that I could have stopped this from ever happening. I kept crying until her father slapped me, “How dare you cry.” He said “you know how many people saw her on the ground and just kept walking. You the only person that stopped and take my daughter to hospital. And for that we thank you, but you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. You make a choice you live with it, because its your choice.”
After that Tatiana insisted that they treat me to lunch the following day. I agreed and from then on we spoke with each other almost everyday, even after she went back to Russia. I had to get a part time job so I could pay the long distance phone bill.
That brings us back to when I got back home from school, I took off my school uniform and took a shower. I called her at 9 almost every night, because of our time differences it would be 5 in the morning her time. It worked for us because she was a morning person and I was a night person. We would both do our homework as we spoke to each other.
The reason I thought this day would be a change for the better is because what Tatiana told me that night. Our conversation started as it usually did we said our hellos and told each other about our days. Mid way into our conversation she said she had something important to tell me, but she said she would tell me right before she left for school. When the time came for her to leave, after she said goodbye I heard her say, very softly “I love you” and then she immediately hung up.
After hearing this I was happy, probably the happiest I have ever been in my life I couldn’t sleep that night. The following morning I climbed out of my bed and went to school like normal. I even saw a freshmen get his ass handed to him in the back of the school, other than that my day was normal. I thought about what she had said for the next week, I didn’t know if I loved her or not. I felt a pull towards her, but I don’t know if thats love. After all I am worthless, can I even be capable of love? At the time I thought I was, in fact that is the reason I kept living.
Why am I standing at the top of this building if I fell in love with someone you loved me back. After all her family was rich so they could afford to visit the U.S. If everything is fine why am I up here?
~Silence for a few moments~
That’s right it wasn’t that way for long, because after my second semester had started Tatiana told me that her family was planing a trip over to the U.S. When I heard that it made me exuberantly happy, actually it made me too happy. The following day at school during baseball practice I had my head in the clouds thinking of the things I would do with Tatiana when her family arrived. While doing so one of my teammates that didn’t like me got pissed off when I ignored that it was my turn to bat.
I remember him saying something like “yo prick you think you’re so much better that you don’t even need practice batting?” Snapping back to reality I didn’t know what he was talking about, so I asked him what he said. He muttered some words then threw a punch at me, not expecting it I fell off the bench. The coach told him to stop and told to get my ass to the plate to bat.
After practice I was then ganged up on by that boy and a few others, they had bats and beat me until they thought I was unconscious. I wish I would have been unconscious so I didn’t have to feel the pain of my broken arm, leg, and ribs. I guess I had it coming for not paying attention and staying in my own fantasy world during practice.
I lied there until morning when a man found me, he carried me to the nurses office. He told me that I was not meant to die yet, I guess I know what he means. Maybe he meant that my death should be of my own volition, so that I wouldn’t have any regrets in death.
The nurse in the nurses office had me taken to a hospital, at the hospital I remember the doctors talking to each other. They spoke something of my bones being different than normal, but they told me that it was nothing to be concerned with and that I would need to stay there for a few days.
I didn’t tell Tatiana because I didn’t want her to be worried about something that didn’t matter. So when I spoke to her that night I just told her that I had an unexpected game pop up. I thought nothing bad towards the people that beat me and refused to tell the school who did it. Why didn’t I tell them?
~Silence for a few moments~
Oh yeah, that’s right I didn’t want to feel pathetic anymore, so I started working out more. I wanted their punishment to be by my hands. I wish I would have just kept feeling pathetic so I wouldn’t have had to go through more pain.
I had a change in my life, I stopped thinking I was pathetic and kept pushing myself forward. I got better than I was before at baseball, because I was no longer just doing it for fun. I was doing to be the best, so I could show those pieces of shit that thought they could do whatever they wanted. Could not push me around and get away with it, I wanted to show those with power that they cannot do whatever they want.
I became better than I ever was in every aspect, I was kind, I was strong, I was gentle, I was swift, I was new. I helped where I could, everything was going perfectly I thought nothing could go wrong. I was wrong, boy was I wrong, because things did go wrong, things went really, really wrong.
I remember that day, my school was having a festival, that morning I went to school a bit early to try to help set up what was left. When I got there, there was some kid picking on a girl, so I intervened. I told the kid to get lost, but instead he pulled out a knife and told me to get lost instead. I don’t know why, but I laughed at him and told him knives had no effect on me.
“No effect? Are you retarded knives effect everyone.”
“Well, I don’t care what you think, just leave.” I told him.
“Look dude if you want to get stabbed I will stab you.”
“If you stab me that’s your choice not mine, so if you are going to stab me do it or leave.”
The kid lunged at me, but for some reason I didn’t try to dodge his attack. Instead I grabbed his throat with my right hand as the tip of his knife pierced my chest.
“I told you knives don’t effect me.”
Gasping for air he said told me “but look you’re bleeding.”
“I meant that they don’t effect me mentally, knives make everyone bleed including myself.”
He pulled his knife off of me and said “fine, but I won’t forget this.”
I said, “forget what?” as he walked off.
I went to the nurses office to get my wound bandaged, when she asked me what caused it I told her I fell out of a tree and landed in a bush.
I don’t know why I acted that way, I have never been one to step in like that. It was like something took over me.
The rest of the year went by seemingly well, I kept working out to get stronger and I kept studying to get smarter.
